Rearview mirror 2018

Admittedly, 2018 started on a bad note for me. I was unemployed, rapidly running out of cash, and medicated to the hilt for bipolar disorder. My wife was facing retrenchment, and on some instinctive level must have known that she was lined up for the cut. The medication that I was taking was certainly not helping me mentally.

I knew that this year would call for some drastic measures. Aside from frantically hunting for a job, scouring all the job-sites and hitting up all my contacts for leads, there were a whole plethora of other things that I would have to get done.

In addition to the job hunting, I looked at trying to bring in some business on my own. I advertised Archery coaching lessons, and management and leadership consulting services.

To bring down monthly costs I cancelled all the subscriptions that I had which saved me some money. I stopped any unnecessary spending, and I also stopped all the bipolar disorder medication that was not covered by my medical aid.

The medication cuts were a setback. Immediately my head and brain became worse, but I decided to ride it out for two reasons. Firstly, I couldn’t afford them, and secondly I didn’t think that the medication was helping that much either. I had started working on the theory that I should never have gone onto medication in the first place.

It all started a few years before when I went through some serious retrenchment fears at work. Prior to that I had divorced, moved house, remarried and a whole bunch of life-altering experiences. I believe that I was in need to some wholesome counselling, nurturing and empathy, but all I got what SSRIs. That was the beginning of the end. In the beginning of 2018 I was on five different mental health drugs. In the meantime, I had found a really good counsellor and felt like I finally had some support that would bring me back to ‘normal’.

In terms of financial cuts, I approached the ex-wife to ask if I could reduce the monthly maintenance amount a bit in order to ride out the predicament that I was in. Her response was no, and if I tried anything she would take me to court.  At the time it seemed a good idea to me to pre-empt running out of money and ending up on the wrong side of the law by initiating a maintenance dispute and taking her to court instead. I started that in April and immediately felt some relief as I was able to stop paying the maintenance. Before that I had been paying her maintenance for my 17 year old son and an allowance for my 26 year old daughter. That’s also a long story, but I signed a really bad maintenance contract. The monthly amount for my son alone had compounded growth to an amount that was more than double what it would cost and adult to rent a room and feed themselves in the cash component alone. Along with that I was paying school fees and medical aid, as well as quite a lot of sundry expenses. Because I had the time, I did a little digging as established that it would have been cheaper for him to attend boarding school (at the same school that he was at).

Ultimately my approach in terms of the maintenance was not wise. It cost me money that I did not have to pay for lawyers’ fees. The maintenance court refused to hear my case at all because I have assets. I was ordered to pay the backlog as well as 2019 in advance. None of it makes sense to me. On top of all of that my children now do not communicate with me. My feeling is that they have no use for a father who has mental issues and no money, but I’m probably misreading all of this.

Advertising for Archery lessons was costing me more money than I was making, so I had to stop that. In the meantime, I signed up for a couple of online tutoring websites and did some work tutoring. In 2018 I earned USD30. I continually applied for jobs, and by the end of the year had received invitations to four job interviews. In one instance I worked at a brewery for 3 days, but in the end the guy decided not to hire me.

In terms of family and support, I had the most enlightening year ever. Certainly my two older children have made it clear that they have no time for a father with no income regardless how diligent and supportive I have been in the past. My sister has clustered in support of my ex-wife through all this, and my mother is so distraught about everything that she just wishes it would all go away. I have never felt so alone.

In the midst of all of this I decided to cut out all of the other medication that I was on too. This happened because I became suicidal and the psychiatrist wanted to send me for electro shock therapy. I drew up a weaning plan to finally come off all mental health drugs over the course of three months. I signed up for Transcendental Meditation lessons and introduced a regiment. By November I was clean. For that period, and up until today my head feel like shit. However, I am determined to ride it out and never go back on those drugs. I don’t believe that they really helped.

I think that it is probably quite normal to be in the mental state that I’m in considering the life situation that I am in. I’m looking into a jobless and moneyless 2019 with a feeling of absolute dread and despair. Why would my mental health be OK? I do sometimes feel that if my mental health was stronger, I would be better equipped to dig myself out of this hole that I am in, but because I’m in this hole, my mental health is messed up. So I guess that I could be stuck in a loop. Even worse, maybe interviewers can smell this illness on me when I try to get a job and on a sub-conscious level know to walk away from me.

So, that was 2018. Something needs to give. I don’t know what my options are, and I am so scared and worried I have become stuck like a rabbit in a car’s headlights. I don’t understand how I got here. I have a B.Sc.Engineering degree, a Masters in Business Leadership and have always done my very best at the jobs that I’ve had. I have achieved great things.

As I sit staring into 2019, I know that I have run out of any savings that I had. I don’t have funds for my son’s school fees, and after 2019 his tertiary education. I may lose my house and my car. I can’t feed my family. I know that that will lead to me ending up in maintenance court again. How do I go on?