Admittedly, 2018 started on a bad note for me. I was unemployed,
rapidly running out of cash, and medicated to the hilt for bipolar disorder. My
wife was facing retrenchment, and on some instinctive level must have known
that she was lined up for the cut. The medication that I was taking was
certainly not helping me mentally.
I knew that this year would call for some drastic measures.
Aside from frantically hunting for a job, scouring all the job-sites and
hitting up all my contacts for leads, there were a whole plethora of other
things that I would have to get done.
In addition to the job hunting, I looked at trying to bring
in some business on my own. I advertised Archery coaching lessons, and
management and leadership consulting services.
To bring down monthly costs I cancelled all the
subscriptions that I had which saved me some money. I stopped any unnecessary
spending, and I also stopped all the bipolar disorder medication that was not
covered by my medical aid.
The medication cuts were a setback. Immediately my head and
brain became worse, but I decided to ride it out for two reasons. Firstly, I
couldn’t afford them, and secondly I didn’t think that the medication was
helping that much either. I had started working on the theory that I should
never have gone onto medication in the first place.
It all started a few years before when I went through some
serious retrenchment fears at work. Prior to that I had divorced, moved house, remarried
and a whole bunch of life-altering experiences. I believe that I was in need to
some wholesome counselling, nurturing and empathy, but all I got what SSRIs.
That was the beginning of the end. In the beginning of 2018 I was on five
different mental health drugs. In the meantime, I had found a really good
counsellor and felt like I finally had some support that would bring me back to
‘normal’.
In terms of financial cuts, I approached the ex-wife to ask
if I could reduce the monthly maintenance amount a bit in order to ride out the
predicament that I was in. Her response was no, and if I tried anything she
would take me to court. At the time it
seemed a good idea to me to pre-empt running out of money and ending up on the
wrong side of the law by initiating a maintenance dispute and taking her to
court instead. I started that in April and immediately felt some relief as I
was able to stop paying the maintenance. Before that I had been paying her
maintenance for my 17 year old son and an allowance for my 26 year old daughter.
That’s also a long story, but I signed a really bad maintenance contract. The
monthly amount for my son alone had compounded growth to an amount that was
more than double what it would cost and adult to rent a room and feed themselves
in the cash component alone. Along with that I was paying school fees and
medical aid, as well as quite a lot of sundry expenses. Because I had the time,
I did a little digging as established that it would have been cheaper for him
to attend boarding school (at the same school that he was at).
Ultimately my approach in terms of the maintenance was not
wise. It cost me money that I did not have to pay for lawyers’ fees. The maintenance
court refused to hear my case at all because I have assets. I was ordered to
pay the backlog as well as 2019 in advance. None of it makes sense to me. On
top of all of that my children now do not communicate with me. My feeling is
that they have no use for a father who has mental issues and no money, but I’m probably
misreading all of this.
Advertising for Archery lessons was costing me more money
than I was making, so I had to stop that. In the meantime, I signed up for a
couple of online tutoring websites and did some work tutoring. In 2018 I earned
USD30. I continually applied for jobs, and by the end of the year had received
invitations to four job interviews. In one instance I worked at a brewery for 3
days, but in the end the guy decided not to hire me.
In terms of family and support, I had the most enlightening
year ever. Certainly my two older children have made it clear that they have no
time for a father with no income regardless how diligent and supportive I have
been in the past. My sister has clustered in support of my ex-wife through all
this, and my mother is so distraught about everything that she just wishes it
would all go away. I have never felt so alone.
In the midst of all of this I decided to cut out all of the
other medication that I was on too. This happened because I became suicidal and
the psychiatrist wanted to send me for electro shock therapy. I drew up a
weaning plan to finally come off all mental health drugs over the course of
three months. I signed up for Transcendental Meditation lessons and introduced
a regiment. By November I was clean. For that period, and up until today my
head feel like shit. However, I am determined to ride it out and never go back
on those drugs. I don’t believe that they really helped.
I think that it is probably quite normal to be in the mental
state that I’m in considering the life situation that I am in. I’m looking into
a jobless and moneyless 2019 with a feeling of absolute dread and despair. Why
would my mental health be OK? I do sometimes feel that if my mental health was stronger,
I would be better equipped to dig myself out of this hole that I am in, but
because I’m in this hole, my mental health is messed up. So I guess that I
could be stuck in a loop. Even worse, maybe interviewers can smell this illness
on me when I try to get a job and on a sub-conscious level know to walk away
from me.
So, that was 2018. Something needs to give. I don’t know
what my options are, and I am so scared and worried I have become stuck like a rabbit in
a car’s headlights. I don’t understand how I got here. I have a
B.Sc.Engineering degree, a Masters in Business Leadership and have always done
my very best at the jobs that I’ve had. I have achieved great things.
As I sit staring into 2019, I know that I have run out of
any savings that I had. I don’t have funds for my son’s school fees, and after
2019 his tertiary education. I may lose my house and my car. I can’t feed my
family. I know that that will lead to me ending up in maintenance court again. How do I go on?
