Now at 50

It sometimes feels like depression sneaked up on me. Then in a moment of calm and insight I realise that I have been in this battle for most of my life. I'm 50 now and still struggling. This is what I am going through right now.

I have a well paid job which I guess that people have faith in me and my abilities. Yet I live in constant fear of being found out. On many days at work I can't seem to do anything, fortunately when I do do something I seem to make up for it. Still, this way is going to catch me out sooner rather than later because I cannot match the pace of well people.

In my journey getting to 50, I have tried many things to try to overcome this black dog. I read a lot, which may actually be me hiding away from the world inside a book or article. Reading about depression is depressing. From my understanding, it is not an exact science, with no clear understanding of cause and effect. There also seems to be no clear understanding as to how anti-depressants and other depression related drugs work. The approach that I have experienced is that it is trial and error. In my case, sometimes the error has nearly cost me my life.

Holding down a job and dealing with depression don't seem to be mutually compatible to me. Trying to treat depression and work at the same time is extremely difficult. Taking time out to see a psychologist or any other type of doctor is stressful because I need to take the time off work. This stresses me out completely. I used to go to one psychologist who was consistently running more than an hour late - I used to leave there feeling worse than when I arrived. How do you explain to your boss where you have been when depression is still a very difficult thing to declare to you employer. Also, medical treatments are sometimes pretty much touch-and-go. Some side-effects can be debilitating, sometimes there is a type of 'break-in' period that can leave me feeling very disorientated, and even more, if the actual drug is not producing the desired result, sometimes even exacerbating the problem. All this while trying to deal with the fast moving, results oriented, work environment.

I realise that people who do not suffer can not understand what depression is about. It's not about being sad, it's about being incapable of getting up and going. I know that it is frustrating to them when they ask 'what is bothering you' and my answer in general is 'nothing and everything'. I have been accused of being lazy, a long slab of misery, and useless. It is testament to my strength and sheer will to survive that I can sit here and write this at 50 years of age.

In the next few weeks and months, I would like to expand on my experiences. I will write about my medical experiences, earlier phases in my life, parenthood, and how I try to cope at work to start, and then see what else inspires me.

In my experience, depression is a very lonely disease. It closes out the world at exactly the time when I need positivity and joy around me. With this writing I hope to bring the world back in, and save myself. Hopefully somewhere in all of this, other people can get some insight into what is going on with someone who is depressed, or even identify depression in someone who has been acting unusually.